Issue link: http://accesshealth.uberflip.com/i/614025
4 | TheBucknerClarion.com December 17, 2015 According to the latest stats, three women are murdered every day in the United States by a current or former male partner. Women with disabilities are 40 percent more likely to experience intimate partner violence (IPV) – especially severe violence – than women without disabilities. One in four women will be victims of severe IPV in their lifetimes. Eight million days are missed per year by working women who are abused. This equates to 32,000 full-time jobs. Every time you count to nine, a woman is beaten in the U.S. IPV equates to 18,500,000 mental health visits, with the average cost of care in an ER at $948 per visit. IPV is the leading cause of female homicide and injury-related deaths during pregnancy. Women who are victims of domestic violence are eight times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner if there are firearms in the home. In 98 percent of domestic violence cases, there is evidence of financial abuse. (The number one reason domestic violence survivors stay or return to an abusive relationship is because the abuser controls their money supply, leaving them with no financial means to break free.) Abuser Characteristics But how can one person yield so much power over another, virtually leaving her helpless, afraid and dependent? According to an article from Psychology Today, in many instances, abusers exhibit at least one of the following: Antisocial personality disorder which can be characterized by deceitfulness, repeated lying, use of aliases or conning others for personal profit or pleasure. Borderline personality disorder which is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships by alternating between extreme idealizations (overestimating the desirable qualities of his partner and underestimating their limitations) and devaluation (minimizing his partner's value). An abuser with a narcissistic personality disorder has a grandiose sense of self-importance. One domestic violence survivor quotes her abuser, "What do you want? An apology? You deserve worse. You should be grateful that I love you so much." These words were spewed after he punched her so hard that he knocked her out of the passenger seat of his car for accidentally putting her purse on his lap while she tried to close the door. Her purse touched some of his stuff, so he got violent. Another abuser said the first time he laid his hands on his wife was just weeks after their wedding. He says he got jealous after a party because she was dancing with someone else. "It set me off," he said. "I remember walking up to her and smacking her full force. I grabbed her by her neck and kind of held her against the car. Then, I walked her over to the bushes and threw her in there and just started choking her. [It was with every bit of rage, every bit of anger I've ever had.]" After the first incident of abuse, he held a gun to his head and swore it would never happen again. His wife forgave him. However, the abuse persisted for two-and-a-half years, even after his wife became pregnant. "She didn't want to be intimate with me…She didn't want to have sex with me and I got very furious. I got on top of her and sat on her stomach." He goes on to say when he was in rage and beating his wife he wanted her to die. "I had every intention to take her life. I felt By Tonia Wright The Abuser, The Victim and Us like I had power and control over something in my life. It made me feel invincible." Watch. See Things As They Are. Try Your Best Not to Excuse Bad Behavior. When it comes to IPV, there are usually telltale signs. If he exhibits these characteristics, beware: often blows up over small things; is excessively jealous; tries to isolate you; has a poor self image; blames others for his own problems; abuses drugs or alcohol; has a family history of violence; is cruel to animals or children; has a fascination with weapons; thinks violence solves conflicts; breaks or strikes objects; uses physical force during arguments; uses verbal threats; holds stereotypical views of a "woman's role"; is controlling; acts out instead of expressing himself; has unrealistic expectations. It's time to get help when your intimate partner keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things; constantly accuses you of being unfaithful; prevents or discourages you from seeing friends and family, or going to school or work; controls all the money you spend; gets angry after drinking and drugging; humiliates you in front of others; destroys your property and the things you care about; threatens to hurt you or your children, pets or hits you; threatens to use weapons against you; forces sex against your will (rapes you); blames you for his violent outbursts. Living to Survive When it comes to women living in violent households, too often people minimize her daily hell by asking, "Why don't you just leave?" It's not that simple. Women planning or attempting to leave a violent partner are 70 times more likely to be murdered, and almost half face homelessness – along with their children. Those of us who advocate for battered women can only hope this article, and ones like it, sensitize the critics to the plight of domestic violence victims. There is no room for judgment, dismissal or minimizing this issue. For that is what the abuser does. Here are a few reasons why women stay: Reason 1: Fear Victims of domestic violence live in fear. It could be fear of her life and those she loves, including her children; fear that no one would believe them; fear that the abuser will take the child or children away; fear the abuser will find them and the outcome gets worse or even deadly; fear of always looking over her shoulder; fear that law enforcement won't help; fear of making it on her own due to low self-esteem, self-confidence and feeling void of any personal power. Reason 2: Sense of Shame, Embarrassment or Blame Some women don't think anyone will believe them or understand why they allow it to happen. Some victims' family and friends blame them for the abuse, asking "what did you do to make him so mad?" Other victims' families are angry with the victim for staying in the relationship and have withdrawn their support. The victim feels even more isolated and alone and believes she has nowhere to turn. (Victim-blaming attitudes marginalize the victim and make it harder for her to come forward and report the abuse. If she knows that friends, family and society blame her for the abuse, Domestic Violence Sometimes Spikes Between Thanksgiving and New Year's